Thor, The Impaler (And the Seven UU Principles)
By David Johnson
Q. Today we are interviewing the Chief and senior tribesman from a newly discovered Mat-UUtsie tribe on the island of Balla-oa-oa. How are you, chief?
A. Me! I am top guy, yes!
Q. Yes you are, Chief, and what is your name?
A. “Thor, The Impaler” Old tribal name . . . Given years ago when tribe was fearsome Amazon headhunter tribe!
Q. And why do they call you “the Impaler?”
A. Because name “Thor, the Terrible” was already taken . . .
Q. And why has it taken so long for your tribe to be discovered?
A. The Mat-UUtsies are a very liberal, laid-back people – you can see that we wear very little or no clothing – and when the American missionaries came many years ago, they looked us over and pretended not to see us . . . years later, when they finally did . . .very jealous!
Q. And how did your tribal members regard these missionaries?
A. As dinner.
Then, when the Spaniards arrived, we defended our land and we killed many, but we did not prevail and
. they defeated us; when they found no gold, they pillaged, burned, and kept on going.
Q. No rape?
A. Nope, it was consensual – remember, it get pretty lonely here on Bala-oa-oa! Boy, those Spanish Conquistadores were handsome men!
Q. Were you not found by others over the years?
A. Yes, later, when George Bush’s people come, we had no oil, and he and his government got back into their Humvees and moved on.
A. Finally, Jerry Springer come, but he found us boring, and he just kept going . . .we should have boiled him, but he got away!
A. So, until Oprah arrived last week, we have never been truly discovered.
Q. And who do you worship?
A. “Dogma-naut” is omnipotent god of all Mat-UUtsie tribes. He controls fire, wind, the sun, the rain, the sky, the oceans and all of the universe, and, of course, fertility.
Q. Do you make sacrifices to Dogma-naut?
A. We used to sacrifice virgins, but we ran out. Then came the monsoons, tsunamis, and an eclipse of the sun, and we almost perished from starvation. Our elders discovered that life was no worse without the sacrifices so we gave them up. Now, every day is just another day in paradise.
Q. Would you say that Dogma-naut is an angry God?
A. Dogma-naut never angry! Always loved his people. Gave us great, green planet with fine animals, vegetables, minerals. We Mat-UUtsies love Dogma-naut and have sworn to protect and nurture his planet!
Q. What makes Dogma-naut happy?
A. Our God, Dogma-naut, has smiled upon us because we have respected his planet, his people and all other living things. This has made him happy.
Q. What do you use for weapons?
A. We have no need for weapons; we use our sharp knives only to cut our food and carve our ju- jus.
Q. What do you eat?
A. In days gone by, we ate our tribal enemies, an occasional missionary, and people who fell in silver birds from the sky, but now we live in peace with all tribes, and kill no one. We kill no animals; because they are a valued part of our living planet; and, most of us are vegetarians. We eat much rice, fruits, big macs, shellfish and many different grains.
Q. Big Macs? So you DO eat meat!
A. Oh, no, big Macadamia nuts! We eat nuts! . . . Nuts, and fruit, and shellfish, and all that other nutritious stuff!
Q. What do you do for fun? For instance, do you worship to the sound of music?
A. As a remote Mat-UUtsie tribe, deep in the mountains, we have not had much success with music. We chant loudly in different keys to four or five short and simple drumming hymns, but the outside world would hardly call this music. You might say that we Mat-UUtsies march to a different drumbeat.
Q. What else do you do for fun?
A. We pray to the our God for fertility, choose nubile women from our tribe, and . . .
Q. No, No, not that; but what ELSE gives your people satisfaction?
A. As I try to tell you, we pray to our God for . . .
Q. NO! I am asking what brings you peace of mind and spiritual satisfaction?
A. OH!!! I think that you wish to know about our ongoing spiritual crusades . . . Each tribal member make an annual journey into the desert where we fast and concentrate on the role of justice, love, compassion and respect for our former enemies and tolerence as well as acceptance of our own people, who, by the way, are constantly trying to bug us . . .
Q. You mean to tell me that you and your people now get along with everyone without resorting to anger, violence, petty judgments, lies and deception?
A. We take our ‘best shot’ at these things, but if you were to meet my wife, you would then understand that this is not altogether easy . . . Dogma-naut always told us it wouldn’t be easy . . .
Q. Since we are speaking of women, do your people mate for life?
A. No, we mate for basic carnal lust and to propagate our . . .
Q. NO! I mean, do your people stay with their partners for life?
A. Oh, Yes! When our health remains good, and the Goddess of Fertility smiles upon us, we mate as long as possible . . . well, at least into our fifties . . .
Q. No! You misunderstand me, Thor, are your men faithful to one woman for their whole life?
A. If we truly desire to live out the day, YES! Dogma-naut has always told us “when WIFE not happy, nobody’s happy. . . .” and if we fail to understand that, we will surely die young and in great agony.
Q. So, Thor, The Impaler, to sum it up, your tribe lives peacefully in nature on the island of Bala-oa-oa as vegetarians, primarily monogamous, totally welcoming and respectful to all, and adhering to seven basic Mat-UUtsie principles for living that were handed down by your Deity, Dogma-naut.. According to these stone tablets stacked here near your hut, those principles are:
*Respectful of the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part.
*Justice equity and compassion
*Acceptance of one another and spiritual growth within our tribes and congregations
*A free a responsible search for truth and meaning.
*The right of conscience and the use of the democratic process
*The goal of world community with peace liberty and justice for all
Now, is there anything I have left out here?
A. That’s about it in a nutshell, Geraldo; now, if you would please shut down your video camera and sound system, I have a Board Meeting to conduct, and we are running short of time here . . .