A Christmas Lesson Learned

By David Johnson

‘Twas the day after Christmas and most guests had all split,

Our overtaxed septic was spewing out sh-t

The house was a shambles, two trucks on our lawn

The floors were awash from an overflowed john

The basement was flooded, our pantry was bare

The place – a disaster, but I didn’t care

With a mop in my left hand, a rake in my right

I knew that the cleanup might take me all night

Leaked oil on our asphalt was there for my pleasure

With antifreeze, gasoline, thrown in for good measure

The passwords on computers all had been reset

So no internet access could be had, you can bet

Most of our guests were either leaving or gone

With only two pickups still parked on our lawn

Our fridge was now empty with its doors broken off

Our new kitchen table now resembled a trough

Each bedroom was graced with graffiti on walls

WIFI wasn’t working, phones couldn’t make calls

The inflatable Santa that was once in the yard

Was now drifting skyward with a helium charge

The beer kegs were empty, the liquor was gone

A number of guests were passed out on the lawn

Some folks were laughing and others were crying

While others were barfing and wished they were dying

The dog from next door was skewered and cooking

On the grill on our side porch whilst no one was looking

Had Santa arrived with his quaint little sleigh

His deer would have been served — as prime ribs, or filet

Insanity ruled ’til the last guest was gone

The cleanup continued until almost dawn

Repairs were extensive, outrageous, expensive!

But the nightmares of Christmas lived on

For just one week away, it will be New Years’ Day

And the madness will start once again

New guests will arrive, and sheer chaos will thrive

And linger ’til God only knows when.

And the thing to remember, when you reach next December

With Christmas and New Years ahead,

Just take my advice, and really think twice —

And go to a movie instead!